The Pleaser Saboteur

The Pleaser Saboteur: Why Saying Yes Might Be Saying No to Yourself

The Case of the Reluctant ‘Yes’

It was 5:45 p.m., and you were this close to finishing your records when a tech poked their head in.

"Hey, Dr. Smith — could you squeeze in one more quick ear infection?"

You smiled, nodded, and said yes, even as your brain whispered no.

By the time you finally left, the parking lot was empty and your dinner was cold — again.

If this sounds familiar, meet your inner Pleaser Saboteur. This Saboteur is very common in the veterinary profession.

Who Is the Pleaser Saboteur?

The Pleaser is the part of you that equates being helpful with being valuable.

It whispers:

“They’ll like you more if you help.”

"It's easier to just do it yourself."

"Saying no will make you look selfish."

At first glance, the Pleaser seems noble — who doesn’t want to be kind and supportive? But in the veterinary world, where empathy is your superpower, the Pleaser can quietly become your Achilles Heel.

When you over-give your time, energy, and emotional bandwidth, you start to lose track of your own needs. What began as care turns into depletion.

And the irony? When you give from an empty tank, your compassion starts to lose its warmth. You begin to resent the very people you’re trying to help.

The Emotional Cost of Constant Yes

Veterinarians are experts in service. You’re trained to comfort, heal, and make things better.

But here’s the uncomfortable truth: constantly saying yes doesn’t make you more effective — it often makes you less so.

Pleasers create invisible stress debts. Each extra case, text reply, or “sure, I’ll handle it” chips away at your recovery time and self-worth. Over time, these small withdrawals lead to emotional overdraft — exhaustion, irritability, and that quiet voice that says, “I just can’t keep up.”

The Pleaser believes approval equals love. The truth is, genuine respect comes from authenticity, not compliance

The Science Behind It

The Pleaser Saboteur is driven by fear — fear of rejection or conflict.

The lie of the Pleaser:  If I make others happy, I’ll be happy too.

The truth: When I honour my own needs, I create space for real connection.

Neuroscience tells us that chronic people-pleasing keeps your nervous system in a low-grade state of alertness. You’re constantly scanning for cues of approval — a nod, a smile, a “thanks.” It’s exhausting because your self-worth is often dependent on the opinions of others.

How to Tame the Pleaser (Without Losing Your Kindness)

You don’t need to silence your Pleaser — just retrain it.

Here are three ways to start:

1. Notice the Pause Before You Say Yes

Pleasers respond on autopilot. The next time someone asks for something, pause.

Ask yourself:

• “Do I really have the energy for this?”

• “Am I saying yes to avoid guilt, or because I truly want to help?”

• That three-second pause is your superpower - the moment where awareness interrupts            

2. Practice “Yes, But Later”

If the word no feels too sharp, soften it:

“I’d love to help, but I can get to it after lunch.”

"Yes, but let's book that for tomorrow."

This helps build respect for your boundaries and teaches others to plan around your available time. Remember, every "no" is protecting a future "yes" that really ma

3. Redefine Kindness as Clarity

Pleasers often confuse kindness with accommodation. Genuine kindness is transparent. It means showing up honestly, not martyring yourself for approval.

Try this reframe:

“Being kind doesn’t mean never disappointing people — it means being clear about what’s true for me.”

The veterinary world needs more authentic communication, not more burnout disguised as generosity.

A Story of Change

A client of mine — let’s call her Sarah — was the go-to doctor for everything. Need coverage for a shift? Ask Sarah. Tough client? Sarah will handle it.

Her compassion was legendary, but her exhaustion was too. Her mantra was ‘I got it’.

We practiced one simple tool: the pause and choice. Within weeks, she noticed something profound — the clinic didn’t collapse when she said no. Her team actually began to step up more.

Her energy lifted. Her confidence grew. And she rediscovered something she hadn’t felt in years: joy in her work.

Final Reflection

The Pleaser Saboteur thrives in the space between good intention and self-neglect.

You don’t have to stop being caring — you just need to start including yourself in the circle of care.

So the next time someone says, “Can you squeeze in one more?”

Take a breath, smile, and say:

“I’d love to help — but not right now.”

That’s not selfish. That’s leadership.

Dr Bill

This is the second in a series on the Saboteurs that mess with our veterinary lives.

Saboteur Quiz

Sources: Author insights informed by Positive Intelligence® concepts, veterinary well-being research, and articles on professional satisfaction.